Feeling dead...

I hate holidays... It's 1st of May and i am not feeling good about holidays... Never hated holidays that much... Times during holiday is killing me every seconds... Things aren't as before...

A lot of people is enjoying their life on holidays and i am suffering from it... My muiz went to singapore(Remember to get me a souvenir)... Do wish to go on a vacation, but something inside me says it's a bad idea...

Woke up this morning early... 4 am... Didn't know why, maybe it's the pain... I am really having a lot of times to figure out about myself... My mistakes, my wrong, my careless and my feelings... Maybe it's time like that, that will make people grow up in an instance... Maybe it's things like that, that will make you a better man... Maybe it's situation like that, that will make me learn how to control my urge, mood, emotions and pain...

It's been 15 days and still counting... Being experimentals with songs again... Finding songs that'll soothe my pain... I hate the pain...

I HATE HOLIDAYS = I HATE THE PAIN......

Dedicated to you... The only you...

I never wrote a post dedicated to anyone... All my last post was mainly on how i felt for this few days... I am gonna break my rules for once... And i hope the person i dedicate this to would read it and hope that this could change her mind... I would now disclose her name here just to be fair to her...

I dunno how all this could have happen in just one day... I questioned myself... I know i hurt you that day, i should've believe you, trusted you but I didn't... Is this all because of a misunderstanding, then please let us have the chance to make things right... I didn't want to leave that day, but i couldn't stay, I have pressures and you didn't ask me to stay...

If you think i don't trust you enough, then i'll change, I won't check your phones, your mails, or your friend circles... If you think i haven't been giving you enough space that you can hang out with your fren, then i am sorry, i don't have my space too but i promise i'll let u have yours, you'll just have to inform... If you think we didn't spend enough time together, then i'll try to find you as often as i can... If you think i don't have a bright future, then i'll show you my efforts, my efforts in taking the chances my dad give me... If you think we don't go out as often, i promise you we'll go out to places at least twice a month... If you think i don't buy you enough stuff then i'll try to save up and try to give you whatever you want... If you think i wasn't honest enough or i didn't plan for our futures, then please give me one more chance to share all my darkest secret and my plans i have made for two of us...

I shouldn't accussed you for going out with another guy. I shouldn't have speak heavy words to you, I shouldn't have ask you back for the phone(i just wanted to see you again, that's why i ask you for the phone), I shouldn't have complaint about bathing the hamster... I regretted and i promise and i swear to you i will change to become a better person for you...

I hope that you bite me and scratch me when you're mad at me... I don't mind if you bite blodds and flesh out of me... i just hope you forgive me... Beat me, slap me and scold me if u want, as long as you can forgive me for my mistakes...

Please give me one more chance, please give me one more chance to make this relationship works, please give me one more chance to share a dream and future with you...

If you would ask me how much i love you, I would say i loved you with all my life and soul... If you would would ask me how much i miss you, I would say i miss you so much that when i don't see you or hear your voice, seconds pass like days, minutes pass like weeks, hours pass like years, days pass like centuries... I know that you haven't totally give up too... Please give me a chance and i'll prove everything is as i promised...

Drunken on nicotine....

Was in the stage of drunk on nicotine again... Didn't smoke but still the feeling is just like it... If anyone knows how bad that it feel, they'll know how deep of a shit i am in now... The feeling that you couldn't withdraw yourself from... It's hard, the only easy way out... Talk slow, act slow, think slow... It will ease off when you don't push it...

I was wondering is everything in this world has thing to do with equation... I read this article about human behavior... People tend to make equation of how situation will be in their own mind, making simulation out of the situation they are in, the people they face and the character of them and you... People tend to find the higher possibility of a more cherished result they think... That's how human makes decision...

But... Life is not an equation, things in life doesn't make an equation... Things a lot of time doesn't happen as we think... Though many times things happen as we simulate them, but that is all about one thing, LUCK... Many things in life happen just like that, esspecially love... Love is one very special thing, totally unequalable, you couldn't even know what will happen next... You couldn't calculate what u gave and what u will receive... Being able to score a girl that you love the most is not about strategy, it's not about timing, it's not about how many gift you bought, it's not about what you've done... Everything is about luck...

So do feel lucky if you're with the girl you love now... Do feel lucky that you still see her smile... Do feel lucky when she says she loved you... Do feel lucky when u get to sing to her... Do feel lucky when she scold you, coz she still care...

Hope i am lucky again... Hope lady victory is by my side... May everyone is lucky in this world... PEACE...

P/S: I have a long wish list and i hope someone will help me out with it....

Good morning world...

Good morning to the world... To the world i live in... Blogging todays means i could have still wake up from my sleep... I could have still wake up from the darkest moment... I didn't just sleep and just travel to meet good ol lucifer...

We might wake up to the most frustrating world, we might wake up to our deepest sorrow, we might wake up to a tedious job, we might wake up as a routine of our daily life... But... But, be greatful that we woke up today, we woke up to work and study, we woke up to attend exam and shits, we woke up to work day in, day out, we woke up to face our biggest challenge in life, we woke up to overcome our deepest sadness... Be greatful, be greatful we should...

Saw the newspaper from yesterday, how i wish the world do not need newspaper... Old saying, no news is good news... People getting fraud, accident kills, attempted raping... The attemted raping was from the college i came from, and the college i was drop out from... Some student was about to get raped and killed... And the most awkyard thing was, it was the campus security trying to do so... I was wondering what was the requirement needed to apply for that job, employing someone who could not even control himself to control the safety of the students... The administration must be mad, or was they mad before, they were mad all the time...

Just got few new songs for my playlist, M 5 - Makes me wonder, Trvs - Closer, L Kvitz - All of my life... Of course via the most common, hitech way... Illegal downloads.... Don't ask me why i dun get the legal ones, we all malaysian knows why... Legal are too exspensive to buy, and that goes for eveything here... I wanted to give support, but no one is supporting me... So just not to get myself into troubles, i will just put little hint of who the artist is and you guys figure it out yourself...

Life has changed for me, changed a lot, trying to adapt it, trying to get use to it, but still i hope one thing never change from day one... But i could only feel my hope diminishing, decreasing, depreciating... Make one thing never change, that is the only one thing i need... For now... Forever...

Counting seconds

Time ticks by, seconds by seconds, by the time you figure it out, it's been day and still time doesn't go backway, my life still move on... Did i move on or just my body moving... Life wasn't easy... Trying to find things to do... Trying to numb my brain...

Numb was a good word, getting numb is the best thing in the world... Feel no pain, feel no thing, feel nothing at all...

My body is tired, my mind is tired, my soul is tired... God please show your miracle, if this is one time i wanted to see a miracle, it's now... Not then, not before, but just now...

Been into a lot of music to settle my mood lately... Never heard a song so deep before... Never set my mind in such a trance state when i am sober before... Wanna give it up to new genre... Never accept so many of new things... Trying to accept changes in life...

I hope nothings changes... Never change, i dun like adapting to new things... Makes me feel strange, makes me feel uncomfortable, makes me different... Makes me a total stranger...

I don't want to be the stranger in the city, i don't want to be a stranger in my mind....

God make things never change, not like the way i hated it...

I couldn't hate you....

I copied this from one of my favourite movie of all time... 10 things i hate about you... I amend it to suit my situation...

I hate the way you ignore me,
and the way you cut me out.
I hate the way you make me wild.
I hate it when you smile.
I hate your curly hairs,
and the way you make me down.
I hate you so much it makes me sick;
it even makes me rhyme.
I hate it, I hate the way you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it that you're not around,
and the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you.
Not even close,
not even a little bit,
not even at all.

I try to hate the thing's that she've done... But i just couldn't do so...

Rainy days

It seems like it's been raining quite frequently... Things have gone from bad to worst... Always like the rain... It has a lot of sweet memories... It always has been... Not now, not this time of the year... The same time, the same rain, but it felt like pieces of blade cutting through my heart... Every single drop sounds like a bulldozer over my brain...

Been woken up by my worst nightmare again... Force myself to take a couple hour more rest... Yes rest is all i need... The best dream kept me sleeping... Never want to wake up... Please prolong the dream... Keep me in comma... Keep me wide asleep... I don't want it to end...

Feeling ultra bad again... Never worst... Why can't time do it's job, why can't i just move on... Why did the sickness hit me again... Why does it hurts more...

Maybe i wasn't buying you small gifts, maybe i didn't call as often, maybe i was angry coz i was pist off... Maybe all that happens because i was in deep shit before and i am recovering, maybe i need to work late and time wasn't enough, maybe i still do care a lot...

God please turn back time, god please amend my mistakes, god please give me more time, god please give me more live, god please send me my angel, god please damned me for being bad, god please give me one more chance...

I couldn't move on, couldn't move on without that one person... If rains would bring me memories, i hope those who have memories there share the same moment, i hope rain would pour and people will remember all their memories and cherish it for every moment...

Rainy days reminds me of you,
Rainy days reminds me of times,
If one day rain shall dry, my love for you will cry...

May rainy days bring the best lover together, may the rain bless you with your best luck, may the rain give you your best strength, may your love ends at the day rain is dry...

Nothing changes

This is my third entry of blog... I notice that i am not the only one suffering here... I knew a guy from i think US or dunno where is having the same problems as i do... I knew a few person who also have times that they dun appreciate the things they have...

Is it time we should have sit down and think again... Think closely and think slowly... Is it what we are chasing worth our sacrifice... Our time, our live, our life, our pain... Does the person you're chasing even know your sacrifices, your pain... Or does that person just don't even care...

Maybe we're just all the same... We know it for good and we know that it's not the answer we want... We're just going to do the same thing... Deny it... Coz that just give us hope to continue our life...

I woke up this morning with the best dream of my life... How i wish it was true... How i wish i could just continue sleeping down... Been quite normal this few days... No extra emo... Maybe i'm numb...

I am numb to a point that i can't think well... I can't even blog right... Time is doing it's job...

I read this in my fren's nick... This is how it goes... It is written in mandarin and i try to translate it... Some people say time will do it's job and bring the pain away, it doesn't bring the pain away, it'll only get you use to it, getting use to the pain... This is how the nick wrote, i more or less think it was right... She also said something else, she'll appreciate what she have now, we can't control what has happen, but we can appreciate the love we have now...

I am kinda jealous with some people, i am kinda sad for some others too... If miracle could have happen, if i could have genie's three wishes, i would only wish for only thing... Is everything could be wonderful again... Ozone heals itself, the arctic ice will never melt, no meteorite is gonna struck earth, nuclear warhead are all dead, no more terrorism, no more war, no more thin model, johnny cash was alive, river phoenix didn't got overdose, bali was not bomb, 911 was just a prank call, everything is fine, Leslie Cheung is alive, love will be in the air and i am still around....

How i wish everything is wonderful now...

Moody days

This is the days I get all moody and everything... Things that happen just pop right into my mind... We can't deny it, it saddens us, the ultimate bad way... We're browsing around looking for company... Talking to people in your IM list which you never even talk to them before... It's hard to forget, it was never an easy task... It's hard to bring your mood right, you're in deep shits now... When you were just fine talking to your friends and they have to log off... Well we think that is fine... By the time you don't see their name online... The whole feeling struck you again... And this time double the pain, double the harshness... It's like getting drunk on nicotine, you never want to eat, you never feel well, the only thing u feel is bad, sad, moody, and wish to throw up... If you wanna know what i mean... Get the strongest brand of tobacco you know... Chain smoke until you stop and starts to feel cold in the inside, your stomach starts to turn, your face turn white... Yupe... That is how this all feel.

It's been seven days from now... I tried to take the innitiative to call the first two days, but it only trip me worst... Everything happen for the worst... Calling someone which you wish to talk to so a lot is always happy, but by the time she stop picking up your call... Every single dial tone trips you off too nuwark of nowhere... You just trip through the torture chamber, nightmare on elm street, nightmare land and how u wish u could wake up from it... Every single dial tone trips you off... Every single dial tone is a mind numbing tune... Every single dial tone cuts a piece of your mind and heart...

Since calling is no good, we will try the weirdest way to reach to that person... Going on IM... No luck, the person you're looking is hiding from you... Try to call the house... No luck either, the person you're looking for tells everyone that knows you for you to say that he/she is away... You tried sending that person comments on the friend circles website u know he/she have an account on, which you don't often do... Worst, she wasn't online all the time... The last resort, the best invention of the century... SMS short messaging system... You send numerous messages, long and short, you try every single word you know, you try to act fine so that he/she would at least reply you with a single word... But after numerous day of mind numbing act like that, you can't think straight... You're mind is about to blow, everything thing you do to reach out to that person has no use... Every single minute is tripping you bad, tripping you to go mad...

No use, they wouldn't know that... Worst, they don't even care to know... Damages has been done, wrong words come out from your mouth... Now you starts to regret, what if you think slower at that point? What if you would speak softer? What if you trusted them more? You made simulations out of the person you know... You know them too well... You never know someone that well... You regret for everything you done... You regret for everything you say... But too late, damages has been done... Time keep ticking, clocks keep running, people still work, you'll have to work, money still runs in the market, porn is still one of the famous search on search site, baby are borned, people are dying, massacre still happen, the world never stop spinning, we'll always know pluto as one of our universe, Shakespeare is dead, Dan Brown is big, web slinging hero is coming, Jack Sparrow was not dead, a kid won the movie awards in HK and your wrong has been done... This is the time you wish Einstein work out the time machine more than the E=MC2... You would wish you could turn back time... You would sell your soul to the devil for life sentence just to make things happen... Nothing supernatural happen... This is the time you pray hard and wish for a miracle...

You never give up, no one give up easily... Things about letting go was easy to say, but now you know holding on is easier... You would try anyway to gain attentions... But it wouldn't help... One of your most trusty fren give you the most cruel fact... You're annoying... You annoyed the person very much... You would only destroy your hope into ashes... The person will only hate you more... She gave you an idea... Live today, Fight tomorrow... That's the best word for it... It might mean u'll have to start from zero again... But it's the best way... Let time do the work... Let mind settle down... Let moods flow... Let the world go round... If it's your destiny to be with each other you will bump yourselves into it again... If you have faith for each other... No matter how far apart you are... You will still meet one day...

Love sometimes doesn't go two way... It was never meant to be like that... Sometimes you'll need to sacrifice yourself just to see that very person happy... And that's true love... The best love in the world is not about having to be with each other... The best love story happens when they're apart... Seeing him/her smile with happiness is the happiest moment in your life... That was always what you want him/her to be... Happy... Maybe by that time you're not the person beside him/her... But still you'll have your best moments in life... If he/she has the feeling for you, he/she will know you're suffering... He/She will know who is the best for him/her... Who treats him/her better... Treating him/her better doesn't mean buying him/her gift, bringing him/her to a exspensive restaurant or going out every weekend... Treating him/her better is treating them well, let them feel you need them, let them know they're everything to you in this world, share problems with them, they wanna know, smile to them, look into their eyes, give them long kisses which stop their breath, cuddle with them, carry them on your back when they said they're tired of walking...

I wish that this entry will be read and understood, to everyone who has the same problem with me let us pray that we are better... Like a muiz of mine said, take this as a time to view our mistake and problems... So by the time we are again with our loved ones, we are a better person, a person that he/she is willing to share his/her life with... And those who are in love... Appreciate what you see... They might be imperfect, do share with them your thoughts, you won't wanna change them but if they care, they will try their best to do better...

P/S: Let us all pray for the lives being taken in the Virginia Tech Gunman Massacre incident... Let us all pray for a world with less fight and quarrel, wars and killing, pollution and disasters... Let us all pray five minutes for them...

Thank You....

This is my first entry for my blog, i hereby wanna firstly say thank you to all the people who took the innitiative to read my blog... THANK YOU FOR THE SUPPORT..

As the beginning i wish to set one thing straight, i didn't make this blog dedicated to anyone or anything. I created this blog for the only reason, expressing the true me... But i do say about peoples around me that affect my view, so if you find anything related to you, don't be shock, yes i am talking about you... I will keep the names anonymous for privacy purposes, but u guys know who you are...

For the past six days i was asking myself one very simple question, what is love? I been doing a lot of talking this few days... talkings to people like i don't use too... i never talk so deeply to that much of people. Through this few days i came out with a lots of answer to a lots of question in life... but most importantly i learned the answer for the one simple question... what is love?

Love is not just a feeling, it's in everydays life. Me talking and feeding my dogs, that's love as a master... My mom nagging me about being home late, that's love of a mother... My dad giving me jobs that are tiring and tideous, that's love of a father... My bro who keeps on giving me advices on life when i felt bad, that's love of a brother... Friends who responded to my call when i felt so bad, that's love of a buddy... A baby sister who brighten up my day on supporting what i do now and taught me a lot of thing, that's love of a muiz... Netfriends who chatted with me just to keep me fine and drop me messages the next morning to see if i am alright even he/she dun know me for good, that's love from a stranger... Love is not just a feeling you have for the girl u adore and admire, love show itself in the most unexpected ways in our everyday life, we just didn't take the chance to see it as it is.

Let make it this way, you hated someone a lot, you even wanted him to die so so much... in that situation think again... do you really hated that person so much... more than ten thousand people pist you off and get right at your face for your whole life, is it that you hate every single one of them...... answer is no, NO... you won't even care if he dies. And you know why you hated that very someone so much, becaused you have love for him, you actually cared about him... well at least you care about the fact that is he dead or alive. But you won't to others because you never cared, you never even want to know that the other ten thousand people who pist you off and get right at your place is alive now, you might even have already forgotten who he/she is or how he/she looks like... Love shows itself in everything that we do.

Love shows itself the clearest when it come to boy and girl relationship. Sometime you get jealous of the boy/girl, that's love. You was angry with him/her but you could just forget about it in an instance, that's love. You could forget anything that him/her do to make you unhappy/sad and you could accept him/her back at anytime no matter how much him/her hurts you.... That's LOVE...

So from today onwards, look at people beside, look at people around you, look at your family, talk to your fren, chat with your net buddy, kiss you loved ones, say thank you to people that helped you, say sorry to people who bump into you, make a life, live your life, get a new movie, hear a new song, write a stupid poem, start your own diary, do what you want, do what you like, chase for your dream, dream big, dream hard, dream strong, work hard to get your dream, never give up on anything you decided, trust the path you choose, never leave your loved ones behind, never turn your loved ones down, never use heavy words to your loved one, pamper your loved one, protect your loved one, care for your loved one, feed your dog, walk them miles to make them happy, clean their piss pick up their poo....

Then you'll see what is love in your life.....

I wish to thank to the people who finish my blog, i will post up quite frequently so do check back often. If you like it, do drop me a comment or message, it will be great to have you guys support.... THANK YOU ....